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Don't know if this has been posted before because I am one of the last people to get this sort of stuff. I got this emailed to me today.
It has just been announced that Dan Brown is releasing a new book. Along similar lines to the famous "Da Vinci Code", this book is set to rock the very foundations of those two great religious institutions - the Catholic Church and the AFL. The book is characterised by impeccable research and validates what many of us have known for a long time - Carlton is the chosen Club - supported by God himself!
Dan's new book is called the "Da Vinnie Code". It was written in consultation with a famous religious scholar and close relative of Dan Brown - Fraser Brown. The story is about a Latin genius named Da Vinnie Cattoggio who has been able to provide definitive evidence of the bloodline between early Christianity and the Carlton Football Club. Here are a few excerpts:
Fact: The name "Jesus" when translated into an ancient Hebrew dialect means "Jezza", or "Oh Chosen One".
Fact: In his formative years, Jesus used to hang around Jerusalem with a gang called the "Apostles". One day the gang was playing around with a sheep's belly inflated with air, kicking it around and catching it. Religious scholars believe this was the first, rudimentary, form of "football". On one occasion, Jesus (by all accounts, quite an athlete (John chapt 24 vs 23-26)) caught the ball by jumping over the top of one of the other players. A crowd of Philistines, Pharisees and lepers who had milled around to watch, cried out in unison "Jesus - You Beauty!".
Fact: Jesus had the Latin number "XXV" embroidered onto his robe. It is believed Mary Magdalene did the embroidery.
Fact: Jesus invented the "mullet" hairstyle. This was not a fashion statement at the time but arose because he was poor and could not afford a haircut.
Fact: Jesus, at the last supper, lifted the Cup. He said, as reported in the bible, "Drink - this is my blood". What he also said, that was not reported in the Bible but has come to light in the Da Vinnie Code, "Before the end of the second millennium, that which is greatest will be lifting 16 of these little babies. And there will be a lot more to follow."
Fact: Opus Dei, formed in the early days of Christianity, was an organisation that sought truth and justice. It was named after a location where remarkable miracles occurred. Judas, who had a bit of a lisp, used to pronounce it "Optus Dei", a habit that his apostle colleagues picked up on for a bit of good humour and it perpetuated through the ages. It has since lost the "Dei" part and is just referred to as "Optus" - the meaning remains the same though as a place where miracles and amazing things happen. (As an interesting aside, scholars believe the teasing that Judas received because of his lisp was the reason he betrayed Jesus. The irony was that Jesus did not participate in any of the friendly banter.)
Fact: Silas was the evil, albino monk in the Da Vinci code. He used to attack people when they weren't looking and were defenceless. If you rearrange the letters of "Silas", using the devil's number "666" as a seed in a Fibonachi sequence, you get the name "Tuddy". Tuddy was also very white and used to also attack people when they were defenceless.
Fact: Religious scholars have pondered over the meaning of the curing of the lepers - a miracle performed by Jesus. As revealed in the Da Vinnie Code, they now realise that the "leper" was a person rejected by society ("leper" spelt backwards is "repel"). The lepers are a metaphor. In early Christian times, the lepers would hang around the streets of Jerusalem. They did not work, relied on handouts, did not wash, were heavily tattooed, had no teeth, had bare hairy chests - and the men were not much better. Religious scholars now generally believe that these people were the ancestors of modern Bulldog supporters.
Fact: Theologians agree that Eddie McGuire's heritage is linked to Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor who sentenced Jesus to death by crucifixion. Both were in positions of authority that they would abuse for their own ends, both were vain, and liked to be seen everywhere. In conducting the trial of Jesus, Eddie Pontius asked the assembled crowd of Jews whether he should set Jesus free or Barabas free. This is the first recorded instance of "ask the audience". (As a small aside, when the crowd yelled out to set Barabas free, it is believed that this was misrecorded. It is now believed they were crying for the release of Barassi.)
Fact: The Roman soldiers who performed crucifixions were called in Latin "umpiri" (a single crucifier is called an umpirus). Hence Carlton supporters are quite used to being crucified by the umpiri.
Fact: In telling the story of the Prodigal Son, Jesus said that the father was so happy when the prodigal son returned he ordered the slaughter and feasting on his fattest pig. The Latin word for "fat pig" is "rocca". The other animal, according to the parable, that was to be slaughtered was called "Bucklus" but it always had a crook leg and was not suitable for human consumption. In a coincidence, Pontius Pilate's favourite pig was also called "Bucklus".
Fact: When Jesus resurrected on Easter Sunday, he was warmly congratulated by his gang who said "this was a great come back". Jesus curbed their enthusiasm and said "an even greater comeback will occur in the 1970 Grand Final at the MCG". Because they didn't know what he meant by grand final, MCG etc, his prophecy was not properly recorded at the time. It has only recently come to light with the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Fact: One of the gang of Apostles was a large athletic fellow named "John", who finished up co-writing the gospels. Because of his size, other apostles called him by the Latin "Maximus Giovanni", or translated "Big John". Maximus was a sensitive fellow who deplored violence. But the streets of Jerusalem at the time were not a place for the faint hearted. Maximus Giovanni was often called upon to exercise some rough house justice against rival gangs such as the Pharisees. Two thousand years later, his name lived on with similar events. The Big John of the 60/70s, although he also deplored violence, often found himself in a position where others would violently push their heads into his fist in an attempt to provoke him.
Finally,
Fact: The Bible talks about Purgatory. This is a place where people go before being admitted to heaven and have to suffer. They can see heaven but they can't quite get there and feel it. Theologians now believe the Bible is referring to a place filled with St Kilda supporters - they suffer, they can see heaven, they are so close, but they can never quite get there.
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