Tune in and find out will the Aussies
Saturday October 28th 2006
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Last week in Home And Away that mad, blood-crazed bitch Zoe set a wedding on fire.
She killed a bonzer cop, put the ubiquitous gorgeous blond into premature labour and triggered a series of events that included a hospital helicopter crash in the bush, a clifftop drama with Macca contemplating stamping on Ricky's fingers and worst of all, big-hearted Alf is about to have a coronary at the rescue centre.
It's no worse than any chip shop anywhere in Ireland late on a Saturday night but how dare the Aussies preach to us over a young lad getting spiked through a protective helmet with that sort of carry-on going down in Summer Bay.
Tonight the network screens the opening episode of the Coca-Cola Ireland versus Australia mini series.
The setting is Galway Bay and this show has all the soap clichés, including the usual divorce saga.
Dubs Jimmy and Brian Stynes have moved over to the Australian camp. The two former greats do so much sticking up for the Aussies you'd swear they were found lost in the bush and were suckled by Romanesque dingos.
The boys are supposedly giving the Aussies an insight into the Irish psyche and are offering tutorials on the round ball.
I never heard such abominable s**te in all my life as the Australian whinging about the shape of the ball. You'd swear the round ball was as rare as a Dodo omelette in Oz. How do they explain Tim Cahill and the Socceroos nearly winning the World Cup?
We are told the Dubs are teaching the Aussies how to kick straight with special emphasis on 'round the corner' kicking. Figure that one out. No worries mates about Dubs teaching shooting practice.
I hope the two boys curb the violent tendencies shown by elements of last year's squad who shall henceforth be known as the Dingoroos.
I doubt if we will witness any bloodshed on tonight's show. The fans have been conned. It will be more like the Gaiety Panto than the Coliseum. Next week in Croker will be the violent episode.
But this series has had a troubled past. Will the Aussies apologise for their treatment of The Wild Colonial Boy, Ned Kelly and Peter Canavan?
Tune in and find out.
Last year, I prayed that the Gooch wouldn't be the next victim of the dreaded Dingoroos. The ginger genius does not lack bottle and is a fierce competitor, but I wished he had stayed at home in Killarney.
Thankfully he won't be playing with these rough boys this time around especially seeing as some of the Australian refereeing has been nearly as bad as that here at home.
At least Pat Mac is our ref. He's the top man but you have to take notice when the Galway County Board say the refs need eyes in the backs of their heads.
Well I have a solution - it's a hospital drama. A face transplant on to the back of the referee's sconce.
Now don't tell me some of 'em are already two-faced and look at all the money it would save in umpire's sirloins. And anyway we all know if you put a face on an umpire's arse he wouldn't even see the bottom of the toilet bowl.
I wonder will the Aussies pick on debutant Kieran Donaghy. The new boy in the Soaps always gets a hard time.
It is my sincere wish the Kerry full-forward plays rubbish and leaves for Ros na Rún.
If he shows his true value he could finish up being transported to Sydney like Tadhg Kennelly, the greatest loss to Ireland since Michael Collins.
If Donaghy had even a month's incubation with the egg-shaped ball his lovely mother Deidre's charm bracelet would be festooned with Brownlow Medals.
McGeeney is a good pick as captain. He fears no man, yet he usually keeps a cool head and Ireland have an excellent management team.
We will need a dredger though to desilt the Mouth of Sydney Harbour, Kevin 'The Sludger' Sheedy. The Australian manager has sold more seats in Croke Park than U2 and he knows this game only too well.
But we might just catch his team on the hop now that they have been muzzled by the carding system and the furore over last year's assault on Philip Jordan.
But for me the big questions are how do the Aussies wipe their noses seeing as they have no sleeves?
Will one of 'em introduce his Irish cousin Sheila to his team mates now that the name has been branded as sexist in Oz?
Are the network about to cancel the series for being too violent even though ratings are at an all-time high?
Is Ricky in Home and Away secretly gay and if so why does he keep it a secret?
Can Donaghy tear the Dingoroos to pieces in the first quarter?
And if Alf does get a heart attack, will he be allowed watch tonight's game?
Find out tonight at primetime.
billyjoekeane@eircom.net
Billy Keane
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